![]() They can relax and no longer feel they have to defend themselves, so they no longer need to attack you. ![]() If a person who has communicated with you in a high conflict manner feels respected, calm and focused on neutral information, they may be able to let go of the conflict and get themselves back to calm, logical thought. Threats are intended to be threatening, whereas informing about consequences can be done by someone who intends to be helpful. It is useful to inform about possible consequences, also known as setting limits. It is helpful to suggest positive behaviors and/or deadlines for change. ![]() It is not helpful to say “stop doing negative behaviors”. Giving two choices focuses attention on thinking logically about the two choices, rather than having them feel defensive about having no choice at all or feeling overwhelmed by too many choices. Giving the other person a choice of two options for problem solving is a good way of being friendly. Use your BIFF response to end a hostile conversation respectfully or to narrow the communication to focus on two choices regarding a solution. For example: “I hope you have a nice weekend”. You can also end it with a friendly comment. The combination of being friendly and informative seems to help the attacker shift in ways they can’t do for themselves. Your response may be able to move them back into logical thinking. A friendly response provides encouraging words, optimism that problems can be solved, and a sense of connection between the writer and the reader.īeing friendly can calm the person down. Information should be focused on something positive, friendly and future focused.Ī list of “do nots” will trigger almost anyone’s defensiveness. Avoid getting emotionally hooked into defending yourself unnecessarily. It shifts the discussion to an objective subject, rather than opinions about each other. Give a sentence or two of straight, useful information on the subject being discussed. Writing a good BIFF response is more about what you leave out (avoiding all those nasty comments). The more you say, the more likely you are to trigger another blaming response.īy keeping it brief, there is less potentially negative information to trigger defensiveness. Don’t give too many words for the other person to react to. The point is to avoid triggering defensiveness and focusing them on problem solving information. A BIFF response is a balanced approach which is not mean or confrontational, yet helps set limits and focus on solving problems. The best way to communicate with a high conflict personality is to be Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm (BIFF). The only thing you can do is to manage your response. They can’t manage their own emotions, they feel like a victim. There are about the blamer’s inability to control himself and solve problems. I found it helpful to learn that the secret is that these personal attacks are not about you. This book answers the question: What is the Best Way To Communicate With High Conflict People? It matters because the attacker tends to be in a position of temporary or long term authority over some aspect of your life that is important to you. They really pushed your buttons and you immediately feel the need to react in the same way you were attacked. It’s often shared with others to emphasize how “blameworthy” you are and how “blameless” the speaker is. ![]() You may be dealing with a high conflict personality when you receive an email, social media post, or personal attack that is intensively emotional and out of proportion to the problem, out of context, very personal, which blames you with the speaker feeling no responsibility for the problem or the solution. BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media by Bill Eddy, LCSW Esq ![]()
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